I need the world to be more sympathetic. 'Cause I have this secret desire to start acting my age - for really dumb reasons, but whatever, let's not focus on that - and so I decided that one step in said plan should be to start wearing perfume. Or whatever flavoured-water version of perfume is currently popular; I currently smell like eau de confusion when it comes to scent. And what I figured was that the best way of going about this - me being an absolute novice and completely useless with such things - would be wandering into whatever nice perfume-selling place I can think of, and go "this is what I smell like now, help?" Except I figure that unless I'm massively lucky with finding the best sales person ever, I'll end up with someone going "... uh, try this!" and shoving the most expensive thing they think they can get away with at me.

And I know what smells I like, but I have no idea what actually smells good on me, and I think they might be wildly different. Hmpf! I like the idea of leather, and a slight whiff of honey and dark, but not Christmassy, spices, that sort of thing, but still soft. I want people to really have to invade my personal space - in a nice way! - before actually smelling me. I've totally given up on make-up as far as being a grown-up goes - although I have hit the point where I'm all "well, I guess my skin needs some sort of moisture, especially during winter what are these weird dry patches oops," so, yay, progress! - and my style of dressing is sort of wavering between being maybe seventeen (I almost said nineteen, but no, most of the new students look more grown-up than me) and maybe mid-twenties, so I figure I can at least smell like a person who knows what they're doing. Even if I'm not!

Not that I expect any of you to go "Hi Siri, let me tell you about my hidden storage of perfume-knowledge," I just felt a need to complain. Also I received an e-mail from my thesis advisor and almost threw up, so... That's not a good sign? I think one more semester is in order, though I really don't want to tell my father. Especially not since I wouldn't even be able to complain if he decided to punch me in the face for it, I'd deserve that. So, the fun part is trying to find a way to say it that also presents all the good arguments for it, not just the "I totally didn't do anything sensible and now I'm wimping out, because that's what I'm best at."

Life:/ Except for some bits of it which, while not making me seem any less pathetic than the rest of this, are at least slightly delightful! I'm pathetic and delighted! And deserve to be punched in the face, so I don't really come out on top, either way. Sigh.

Once upon a time, years and years ago, in the deepest bowels of this journal (and they're deep, by now), I coined a term along the lines of "2 am brain." A sudden - or, rather, surprising - shift in my internal brain chemistry that meant no matter how nice a day I'd had, at some point, around 2 am - unsurprisingly - my brain went "WAAAH! :("

I was reminded of this because I spent the entire busride home fighting back tears. I didn't have a brilliant evening, as such - though parts of it, and most of the people, were lovely and hilarious - but it wasn't a bad one at all, and I got a hug from an amazingly hot Swede, so that made me happy. Plus he seemed like a hands-on kind of guy, but not in a bad way, just how some people tend to touch without thinking - he even patted my head, and it didn't feel condescending! - so it was really sweet and made me happy. But obviously not happy enough, so I kind of spent ten minutes sobbing once I got home. I'm OK now - better at least - but I'm still feeling like I really want a hug, but it'd have to be from a specific sub-set of people I know, you know? I can think of two people, maybe three, who I'd like a hug from, most everyone else would be lovely, but not the right kind. Or something. I'm feeling whiny and needy and the stupid bus didn't drive all the way up the hill, so I had to walk home, in the rain, and it's not like that helped at all, and now I'm thinking about writing a complaint and asking for a refund for part of my ticket, since I paid for a service that I didn't receive, and so the bus company obviously broke a mutual - if silent - agreement of terms of use.

I'm not actually drunk, though I wouldn't blame you for thinking I am:> (I had a moscow mule, it tastes funny, but yummy, and definitely isn't enough to make a person un-sober. (even if, at the party I was at last Saturday, a friend of mine said she was probably more sober than me, even if I'd only had one drink, just because I drink so little. But I think it takes a bit more than that to actually fill up my entire body with alcohol, so I'm sure she's wrong))

I think I could write more, but it'd be grumpy and whiny, so I won't. Not that there's anything wrong with grumpy and whiny, but I'll just end up feeling worse in the morning (see, I've learned stuff since I was young, woo!). Except I agree with The Be Good Tanyas in "Light Enough to Travel":

Promise me we won't go into the nightclub
I really think that it's obscene
What kind of people go to meet people
Someplace they can't be heard or seen?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Novelist James Patterson has signed a deal with a publisher to churn out 17 new books between now and the end of 2012. (By comparison, it took me six years to write my first book, nine years to write my second, and five years for my third.) According to my reading of the astrological omens, you Geminis will have James Patterson-like levels of fecundity for at least the next four weeks. I suggest you employ that good mojo to create a masterpiece or two.

From Free will astrology, which is the best horoscope-site ever, because the horoscopes make for good reading (which is a bonus when you're never quite sure if you believe in that stuff - I like the idea of it most of all).

That's mostly just a note to self sort of thing, because I feel like it's exactly what I needed to read. I know I can churn out good shit and quickly, but lately I've been backed up and holy crap but that's a bad metaphor I'm sorry. Freud would have a field day with those two sentences, I feel:D

Anyways, I've had a people-filled day, with four encounters with five people, plus add-ons. First I hung out with Therese for some hours, which is always good, because she is one of the loveliest shiniest people I know, then I got to practice Norwegian with Tomek, who kept insisting one of us would probably want to shoot ourself (him) or the other (me) at some point, since his Norwegian is so bad. I might have said "that's OK, I like torture," which I feel might put me in an unfortunate light, again. (some people just bring out my inability to communicate without bursting out with whatever runs through my head - and some stuff that apparently came straight from my hind-brain (does that term mean what I think it means?)). Then I met Caroline, and we talked for a while about this and that and nothing much, and then to round out the evening, I met Tor H, who's in town for a few days, and Gøril.

Tor H said "I need a Siri in Stavanger" and boy do I ever echo the sentiment for Tromsø. It's kind of fascinating, in that "I'm looking at this in a detached way, so as to avoid having to think about it"-way, to see what different uses I have for my friends, or maybe - more politely - the different roles they fill in my life. And how different my reactions to them are - the things I tell them, the ways I censor myself and show too much, how much I'm willing to share and who I'll tell what. Just, how many people I think it would take to make up a full picture of who I am, not because I lie, but because people allow different parts of me to shine through, depending on who they are and who I am with them. Though in 90% of all cases, I'm still really crude. Some things never change!

I don't know, there's stuff to do, but for now I think sleep is good. At some point I'll update in the lighter hours of day instead of late in the evening.

For once my excessive tweeting has lead to something kind of nifty, yay! I won a festival pass to a local electronica+ festival (that is to say, electronica and electronic music in all its various forms and guises), which is kinda awesome. Definitely means I'll go to the festival this year, which can't hurt. And before that, there's Ordkalotten, and oh my I'm excited - the local literary festival of my heart, sigh! (and this year one of the Norwegian authors that I've spent the most time being utterly fascinated by - without, mind you, having read pretty much anything he's written - is coming too, so that's kind of exciting, possibly in a flail'y "gee, I love you!" way, which is what I do with authors, ah well.)

I went to a party on Saturday, which was lovely and fun and I got to talk to this guy I've never actually spoken to, we're just following each other on twitter and such; at one point, he was telling me about the devious ways he and his compatriot (I just wrote that word because I think it means what I want it to mean, but then it didn't show up with a red underline, so now I have to look it up - well, it was close enough! (dear passive vocabulary, I love you)) had ensured the left-leaning politics of student democracy, and it was so devious and brilliant and horrible and smart that I kind of wanted to kiss him. And for what may possibly be the first time ever, I actually managed not to blurt out that or something similar, so maybe I haven't even frightened him away for good, woo! (I feel like my declarations of love are always intended less seriously than people perceive them, which isn't good.)

Anyways, I didn't sleep last night - three hours doesn't really count - and so I spent the day doing nothing until I went home to take a nap - except now I'm sat in a coffeeshop with my laptop, so maybe I'll try to do something. I kind of want to drink a lot of lattes because they're so yummy, but I do actually want to sleep tonight. And I'm listening to Liz Phair, because I had a sudden hankering. Oh Liz Phair, how so brilliant?

There are other things I need to write, but I kind of feel like this is as far as my brain will stretch, because all the other things require actual thinking and a sensible combining of words - whereas this is all silly garbage. Minus the part about wanting to kiss that guy, I should've known deviousness would hit me in the soft spot:D (OK, so really, wanting to kiss him was the silliest garbage of all, whatever!)

The mood lighting in this place is really awful, I feel like I should be out on a date or something, instead of sitting her like some crazy loner with my computer. I could at least find someone else with a computer and then we could be crazy loners with computers together. Whatever, whatever - I'm off to attempt to write the things I should write, we'll see.

But in the end, there's this, which I figure is the one story I would show to people who don't know what fanfiction is. It's called "Theories of Nuclear Winter" and it's Calvin and Hobbes future-fic about Calvin and Susie and it's incredible. (and hollycomb wrote it, while I'm info-blatering.) It broke my heart and made me cry in all the best ways and I think you should read it if you like - or have ever liked - Calvin & Hobbes, comic of my childhood!, and if you like reading. Damn, it's perfect.

(also the guy gave me mad props for my tattoo, so, you know, if I didn't like him before that I sure did after!)

I meant to be writing some sensible things that need to be written, but then it turned out that my words are really not working today, in that unattractive "keep rehashing the same points"-way, so I figured I'd... update my lj instead. Because you're not actually allowed to complain if I keep talking about one thing:D

I think mostly my problem stemmed from the fact that some things I need to write on paper first, to let the rambling out, and then, once that's done, I can finally try to whittle it down to a cohesive whole. You'd think I know these things about myself after a while, but no, I don't. Instead I sit down and try to write and go "this isn't working. Why isn't this working? It usually works? Why won't you work? Work dammit!" And it's not like I was writing anything serious, just a silly, grumpy non-review of the play we saw yesterday (I think it'll have to be prefaced with the words "If this was being published somewhere proper, I'd never write it in this way.").

I got a magazine in the mail yesterday, where I'd contributed two book reviews, which is good, because it's fun to look at it and be all "I did that! And I'm getting paid for it! (that's the best part!)", but I discovered that I'd managed to sign one Siri Gaski and the other one Siri K. Gaski. Completely unintentional, the K. tends to come and go as it - and I - pleases, but it looked a bit silly when they were right next to one another. Speaking of my name, the other day I received a postcard in the mail addressed to "Siri Gaski/Kvaløya/Tromsø" - so now I'm a bit curious to see if a postcard addressed to just my name would arrive, it should, because I'm the only person in Norway - and easily findable, through google at least, in the world, so possibly the only one in existence - with the full version of my name. There might be some other Siri Gaski, I'm not sure, but I don't think so. (I wonder if a "Siri Gaski/Norway" would show up eventually?) Note: I don't actually enjoy torturing the postal services in any country, this is more of an appreciation for how well they do their job:>

Also this crazy local/international art festival and twitter has lead to me possibly meeting new people? That is such a bizarre thing, but kind of delightful too. Earlier today [blabla context that's long to explain] a woman came up to me and said "@gaski? I'm [her twitterhandle]" and I almost rl-lol'ed (ahaha, I had to write that, sorry). This does mean that I'll possibly have some company while watching "a performance about the future that didn't happen," which definitely sounds like the sort of thing you might need some company for. Twitter is weird ♥ (and mine keeps going from Norwegian to English to bits in Sami, so I keep feeling like I should apologize, but it'd be too much of a mess to maintain one for each language, so I hope people forgive me, especially the ones who only understand English.)

Yeah, my words still aren't working. I'll go play flash-games until it's time to leave.

I went and saw a "play" with my mother - and I'm half-tempted to put that in quotation marks too, just for the absurd joy of it, but no, she is my mother - it's more of a musical theatre thing, where all the actors play themselves, or dumber versions of themselves. Also it included a talking bass - the instrument, not the fish - and yet it was mostly aimed at people 40+ not 4+. Weird! Mostly it requires too much local context to be worth explaining, but it wasn't very engaging, so I'm sure none of you'd care for it. Anyways, the point is that once the play was over, my head went back to humming Fall Out Boy. That's not a good sign! Two hours of music, and all I can think is "I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it."

I discovered yesterday that the reason sceptical keeps getting a red line in Safari is because in American English it's skeptical. Honestly, I'm very sceptical towards that, what's with the random k? It's not like you people like k's in most words? (I feel I must clarify that when I say "you people" I don't mean whatever US citizens that are reading this on a regular basis, I'm talking mostly to the unwashed US masses (bwahaha!), the people who don't read what I write.)

Through random happenstance that is absolutely not my own faults, I ended up eating both a chocolate-coffee cheesecake and a chocolate fondant with fresh berries. Still, I have no one but myself to blame if I end up throwing up in the middle of the night. Ah well, they were both good! Our dinner - my mother and I went out to eat after the theatre was through - was delicious, which is what happens when you eat at the restaurant that used to be Kaffe&Lars, 'cause they know their stuff, but parts of it were dis-enchanted - not quite spoiled, but definitely not improved - by a very picky eater who kept wanting this and that and ended up asking for everything on separate plates 'cause he.. hates food that isn't how he wanted it? He whined about the choices of potato (seriously, the man went to one of the best restaurants in the city, and complained that they don't have regular cooked potatoes), about the choices of vegetable (what, no broccoli! Honestly!), and didn't like the sound of the sauce (oranges... and nuts... and what?). And then he ate it and was like "well, this is actually good!" and I wanted to go over and bonk him over the head with my umbrella.

And now I'm halfway considering sending a message on facebook to this guy I've never actually talked to - though I've known who he is for the last four years or something, and he knows who I am and oh whatever, my social skills suck - to see what he thought of the play, 'cause I'm not sure if I was extra difficult to please, or if other people felt a bit too young for it too. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. Whatever happens, I'm sure it'll be a long, rambling mess if'n he receives it. That's the one thing you can count on in my communications, isn't it?

It's probably a sign of having been on the internet too long when you get genuinely annoyed at "tell me you want to hear more and I will tell you more, tell your friends they should come and ask for more, because I'm not telling until I've heard that you want more." I realise that my 'ultimately, you blog for yourself'-stance is less popular with a lot of bloggers, and I see the sense in focusing on one specific area to grab a certain segment of people, but there's such a difference between selling and sharpening what you write about so as to get 40.000 - or 400.000 or four million, whatever - readers a days, and saying "well, if you want to hear more, you're going to have to force ten of your friends to comment, because I won't do it unless a lot of you express interest." Blah.

This rant brought to you by a random Norwegian blog (this time: "I managed to quit taking pills in order to be a happier person, if I get ten or more comments, I'll tell you how" - like comment whoring isn't bad enough, blackmailing depressed people seems even worse). (ahaha, a prolific Norwegian blogger - an early, Norwegian version of the footballer's wives phenomenon - made an entry a few days ago saying she didn't want to blog any more, because people sucked and were mean - all because she'd offended some celebrities on her blog, but honestly, who cares about her opinion, it's not like she matters, she's just a silly little blogger with a ridiculous amount of pageviews a day, come on! - and she loved writing, but blablabla (her "goodbye, cruel net!"-entry was the first time I read of her blog, appropriately enough). And the people cried, and the newspapers wrote notes on it. And now that entry is replaced with something else entirely: "Tada, on pause, let's see what happens!" - I wish I'd bet money on how quickly that would happen, I could've made a nice lump of cash. Not that there's a point to this, either, it's just more net-annoyance.)

Also bothering me are the constant comments of "omg, people keep dying, this year sucks" whenever someone dies. I think people keep dying no matter what year it is, really. It's a people thing to do, dying, somewhat unavoidable.

Mostly I'm afraid I'm a bit cranky for reasons that don't bear thinking about in public or out loud. And I'm pretty sure I had something less cranky too say, but I think all the annoyed ranting wrote it right out of my head, so. Let's just stop at this unfortunate juncture.

The good guys won! (that's a really bad line to use in politics!) Well, at least my good guys won, though there are some details that didn't quite work out like I wished. The representative for the party I voted for didn't make it, which is sad, but there's still the all-over victory (probably, most likely, fairly definitely, they're at 90-some percent of votes, so yeah).

As for the Sami parliament, it's still uncertain. My party currently has three representatives from my area - whatever you call it? - but the difference to the second largest party is 0.8%, and they're still counting votes, so who knows. Also the Progressive Party - known mostly for being very progressive in all the wrong ways ("we hated immigrants before it was cool!") - got a representative, which is enough to make me want to hunt down the 1984 eligible voters, to ask some questions and then kick some 150 of them in the shin. Stupid voters!

But yeah, seeing as how it was quite likely that there would be a massive change in government, I'm pleased. Though still a tad weary, just out of principle. And now I'm getting kinda sleepy too. (how strange!)

Agh fuck dammit elections my stumach hurts with worry! Like literally. Partly from too little sleep, mostly because do I really want to live in a country where the semi-far right rule? I don't. So I worry. I'm going home to take a nap to prepare for staying up half the night, but first I'm off to buy some red-green flowers, in a symbolic desire to make the world prettier. Aaaagh, though. Fucking shit.

I voted today! It was awesome! I am all ♥ democracy ♥ about it, it's so fantastic that you can go into that room and take a piece of paper and make a (secret) announcement about what direction you want your country to go in. And then I got to vote for four separate elections, so that was almost too much. Election overdose! My only trouble came with the local church election, where I really didn't know who to strike out or who to cumulate, so I went for the one name I recognised, especially since he works at the university, and if there's one thing I've managed to hold onto so far in my life, it's a silly idea that people who work at universities are generally smarter and more sensible than other people. (I do realise, intellectually, that it isn't true, but I like holding on to some delusions.)

I do fear that one day I'll enter that tiny little booth and end up picking something completely bizarre; my choices of bizarre are currently things like the national communist party, the Christian coalition, and the "we're not outright racist so it's not like you can say anything about it, hah!"-party, so it's not as bad as it could be. There's a reason people like me shouldn't have too many options available - and I'm also guessing that sort of impulse is part of the reason why Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected at all. (And even if it wasn't, I don't want to know)

I'm still not thinking about the election results - which will start arriving at some point after nine pm tomorrow, I think - because the Norwegian version of the crazy parts of the Republicans might end up taking a fairly big chunk of the votes and if I think too hard about it I can feel the hyperventilating coming on. :( I don't want to live in a country where 30% of the population might as well be registered idiots, dammit!

After voting, I went to town and read a few newspapers and sat around and thought about Christmas presents and the birthday presents that come before Christmas. I have a few ideas and some specific purchases already, so part of it was just reminding myself of what I've decided - I have a tendency to forget, and then I end up buying one person five different presents. And it's not like I mind giving a person lots of presents, but people tend to get all caught up in the reciprocality of things, and even though I don't care, it seems mean to force someone to spend more money on me than they actually want to, or something.

(Also, while sitting around at VT, I was all "I Want To Write!" because apparently regularly updating again means that my inability to shut up becomes even more pronounced. Good times!)